You gotta lotta ’splainin’ to do, Robyn Peterman Zahn

Not long ago I had the pleasure of meeting Robyn Peterman Zahn. Well, we haven’t actually met. And, to tell you the truth, sometimes just knowing of her scares me. I’m talking about a woman who writes time-traveling vampire romances and types the term “pork sword” more often than the rest of us type “the.”
But her books How Hard Can It Be? and Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures are hilarious, balls-on send-ups of romance novels. Sometimes balls-off, too—a warning if you’re squeamish.
Why does “squeamish” suddenly sound dirty?
Anyway, I asked Robyn four stupid questions, and she answered them accordingly. You may notice that she often got my name wrong. Always, actually. Either she was messing with me, or she really is the evil Evangeline who runs roughshod over a group of porno-writing grannies in How Hard.

In Fifty Shades of Grey, Ana has an inner goddess. In How Hard Can It Be? Rena has an inner slut. How many people, on average, would you say are living inside the typical female human being, and does every female human being have an inner slut? Because that would be awesome.

I can’t speak for every woman, Dirk, only myself. I have about 39 and a half people living inside my head. Most women have eight, from what I’ve heard: Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful, Grumpy, Doc, Happy, Sneezy and David Hasselhoff. And yes, Danny, we all have inner sluts. They can be brought to the surface by chocolate, back rubs and you doing the dishes.
Pirate Dave is described as having a manly scent due to not showering for months at a time. You also make a big deal in How Hard Can It Be? about how Jack smells “beyond delicious,” which is defined as “like clean laundry, soap and man.” What is it about piquant men?
Let’s be realistic here, Doug…stanky is not a turn-on unless you live in France. Anything that smells like butt is usually a problem in the luuurrrve department. I hope this helps you, Denny.
Here at ManWAR, we love panties and are fascinated by how many women hate the word. In How Hard Can It Be? you use it 18 times, which earns the book a rating of 4.5 out of 5 cheeky lace hiphuggers. Are you using it ironically? Are you trying to give readers paroxysms? Or is it one of those things where women can say “panties” but men can’t?
I hate to correct you, Dwayne, but I used the word “panties” 459,325 times in How Hard Can It Be? I don’t find it hot for the hero to tell the heroine to take off her grundies. Or to say, “Can I remove your underpants with my teeth?” “Panties” is a fine word and should be used by men and women at least 26 times daily.
In How Hard Can It Be? Rena says “fuck shit fuck fuck,” which is something Sushma also says in Malibu Bride. Do you think that if they ever make a TV movie out of one or both of our books, they’ll be forced to change that line of dialog? Or will TV have caught up with the rest of the culture by then?

Dagwood, you bring up an interesting point. I worked in the television industry for a long time and I believe “fuck shit fuck fuck” would be changed to “fart darnit fiddle sticks fuzz wonkers.” It does lose something in translation, which is why you should only option your books to HBO or Showtime. They are fond of the word “fuck” and use it liberally…like I do. And as a side note, Derrick, How Hard Can It Be? was optioned for a film. I wrote the screenplay along with my screenwriting partner Jim, and we used “fuck” 9,673 times.

Dante, I have enjoyed this conversation. I think you could use a therapist. I’ll recommend you to mine. I want you to get past your irrational fear of the word “panties” and be happy. Since I’m here, do you mind if I were to whore (another offensive word I’m fond of) my books?

xoxo Robyn
Not at all, Robyn. We at ManWAR also like the word “whore” so much that we’ll do it to your books for you! ManWARriors—check out all of Robyn’s books, including her newest release, Fashionably Dead, at her website. The books are also available from Amazon and other fine e-tailers.

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