You gotta lotta ’splainin’ to do, Dave Thome (Steve-O’d)

My alter ego, Steve, has been dying to interview me for this blog for some time, so I thought I’d give him a shot. He’s not too bright, but who knows?

Steve: You know that one time?
Dave: That’s not at all how I remember it.

Steve: OK, then, what the hell?
Dave: Good point.

Steve: When you go to the gym, there are all those college girls there.
Dave: Yeah?
Steve: I’ll ask the questions.
Dave: Go ahead.
Steve: Those college girls.
Dave: Next topic.

Steve: The Oscars. That Ellie Kemper.
Dave: What about her?
Steve: I don’t know. You’re the one who keeps thinking about her.
Dave: Jeez…you know my wife reads this blog. In fact, she edits it. Get serious. Ask a real question.

Steve: All right, all right. You say you saw Lara, your heroine from Fast Lane, at the car show last week? How did that happen?
Dave: I was there working and—
Steve: Oh, right. You were working.
Dave: You do realize I write for the auto dealers association in Milwaukee?
Steve: So, you were at the auto show, “working,” and this “work” involved standing for several minutes in front of a rotating pedestal with a Cadillac and a svelte twenty-one-year-old blue-eyed blonde wearing a black business suit.
Dave: Well, yeah.
Steve: And then what?
Dave: I thought this blonde—
Steve: In the business suit.
Dave: You already said that.
Steve: I only mention it again because I know you have a thing for women in business suits.
Dave: I thought this blonde—in a business suit—looked how I picture Lara. Except that Lara’s thirty-two. And then I turned around, and on the next pedestal, alongside another Cadillac, was essentially the same woman, only with dark hair. I mean, what are the odds?
Steve: Like, 100%.
Dave: What do you mean?
Steve: It happened, right?
Dave: Yeah.
Steve: So the odds were 100%.
Dave. You make a good point. Which scares me.

Steve: OK. Interview done.
Dave: Wait, I didn’t say why seeing the second woman was significant.
Steve: To whom?
Dave: To me.
Steve: OK, so that’s all for—
Dave: It’s significant because in Fast Lane, Lara starts out blond, then dyes her hair dark to go undercover.
Steve: She does?
Dave: You knew that.
Steve: How would I know that?
Dave: You read the book, right?
Steve: Um, it’s on my Kindle.
Dave: So you haven’t read it?
Steve: I will, I will. And then I’ll write a review.
Dave: You can write?
Steve: What do you think I do when you’re at the gym “working out?”
Dave: That’s it. I’m going to kick your ass.
Steve: You can’t.
Dave: Yes, I can. I have a new knee, remember?
Steve: But I’m fictitious.
Dave: Oh, for crying out loud. Just read the book.
Steve: All right, all right. Take it easy.

Steve: I’ll read your book. Right after the Mayans end the world in December.
Dave: I heard that.

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