Random thoughts on a hot summer day. (Seriously—I thought all this stuff in just one day.)

• Why is it okay to wear a bikini to the beach, but wearing a bra and skimpy underwear could get you arrested? What’s a bikini but a bra and skimpy underwear?

• A weed whacker becomes a weapon of mass destruction when you’re trying to trim grass without ripping the blooms off of moss roses.

• Moss roses?

• The fully dressed women on AccuWeather.com are way hotter than the naked ones in Cinemax soft porn movies.

• Kate Middleton made Ask Men.com’s list of “women adult men are most sick of hearing about.” I’m like, “Kate Middleton…Kate Middleton.” So I Googled her and, oh, yeah. I’m not sick of hearing about Kate Middleton because I never paid any attention in the first place. In fact, I’m in favor of more Kate Middleton in the media because, frankly, that’s one less thing to think about.

• Who made it an Immutable Law of the Universe that the first chapter always needs the most revision and is the most difficult to revise? And why would I rather spend a whole afternoon trimming the damned crabapple trees instead of revising the opening to Fast Lane?

• One more thing about Ask Men’s list: Wouldn’t a man who wasn’t an adult be a boy?

• In Fast Lane, Lara says, “Mmmmm.” I couldn’t adequately vocalize that to my writing group, but every woman said it perfectly. Hmmmm.

• Sophia Vergara.

• When someone wants to sell magazines to men, they put a hot woman on the cover. So why is it that when someone wants to sell magazines to women, they also put a hot woman on the cover?

• What are the job qualifications for the guy who spots women in the stands for close-ups during baseball game broadcasts?

• If evolution works the way I think it does, and if for the past three million years men have been obsessed with big boobs, why are there still small-breasted women? If women are so enthralled with six-pack abs, why do so few men have them?

Okay. The trees are trimmed—and so is the sidewalk, the hedge and the forsythia. Time to stop thinkin’ and start rewritin’.

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