I started thinking about breasts…well, when I was 12…but, more specifically, last month while I was reading Jennifer Crusie’s novel, “Bet Me.” In one scene, the hero, Cal, tells Crusie’s chubby and buxom (Crusie says “round”) heroine, Minnie, that she has great breasts that lots of men would love access to. In a different scene, another character opens her blouse to show a man her “perfect B cups.”

What I was thinking was, “What’s up with those things, anyway?”

You ladies push and prod and pull and squeeze them to draw men’s attention, then get all huffy-puffy when they do. You know what I’m talking about: “A man’s intelligence varies in direct proportion to the size of a woman’s breasts,” and, “Hello! My eyes are up here.”

Admit it: You know you’ve got our heads spinning in real life. But that leaves me wondering what to do in a romance novel.

“Your eyes are like jewels.”
“Ooh, Miguel…”
“Your lips are like sweet, ripe cherries.”
“Ooh, Miguel…”
“Your tits are like two Jell-O molds that I long to squish between my fingers and smear all over my face.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Mike. Turn on Sports Center. I’m going to bed.”

OK, so Miguel could use a lesson in pitching woo. Or two. Nevertheless, I’ve been informed that in “Bet Me,” Minnie asks Cal for an assessment of her body, which makes his comment all right. Second, what Minnie hears when Cal says nice things about “the girls” is that Cal finds her attractive. Not just her breasts. Her.

I suspect, too, though, that Minnie’s attitude is important here: We already know she’s attracted to Cal.

As for B cups, all I have to say is that if they were a problem, evolution would have eliminated them by now. In fact, in “Fast Lane,” Lara Dixon has B cups, which doesn’t stop Clay Creighton, who could have any woman in the world—and pretty much has—from seeing her as the hottest babe ever.

Romance novel heroes are a lot like their real-life counterparts: They know the breasts are there even without any pushing and prodding and pulling and squeezing. The trick to gaining access to them, though, might just lie in bringing them up at the right time and in the right way.

FWIW

I looked up “breasts” at Urban Dictionary.com and found these titbits:

•“The softest, tastiest most tender part of a chicken…(or) woman.”
•“Girls’ body part that boys love to squeeze and girls don’t like it.”
•”Bulging flaps of skin on a woman that have magical powers because they produce a tractor beam to suck men’s eyes and sometimes their hands.”
•“Men wish they had them, women with big boobs want small ones, and women with small boobs want big ones.”

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