I have long held this theory about what I call the No-Win Society. In this society—modern American society—whatever you do is wrong.

And someone will be sure to tell you.

For example, if an opportunity arises, what should you do? Pounce on it, right? Opportunity knocks only once, so you should seize the day because he who hesitates is lost. But if it ends up being the wrong thing to do, someone will say you should have looked before you leapt.

I thought of the No-Win Society when I came across a Men’s Health article about how to keep your sex life interesting no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship. One of the tips was, “When you’re watching television together, take her feet in your lap and massage away (her) worries. Note: This is not foreplay; it’s caretaking. If she feels cherished, she’ll get bountiful with her body.”

But if you’re married to a woman who never wants anyone to touch her feet—ever, goddammit—she’ll get bountiful with your body. Take this advice and you’ll end up with less ass and more ass-kickings.

So I thought, “There must be tons of No-Win advice on the web.” I didn’t have to look far. The Men’s Health article turned out to be a treasure trove of contradiction.

Like this:

First, we’re told “using porn as a benchmark” is bad. Which is good advice, because if you set the bar at Hot ’n’ Horny Bubble Butt Interracial All-Girl Amateur MILF Action No. 11, you’re screwed before you start. “Keep it real,” the article says. “Just because you saw a sexual practice in a film doesn’t mean it’s safe or satisfying. And it might not even be something she’s into.”

It follows up with a link to Men’s Health’s own Handy Sex Position Master, which consists of black-line diagram people with no faces keepin’ it real twenty-six mind-blowing and body-bending ways.

And this:

Don’t put her—or yourself—under pressure. Don’t worry or question her about having orgasms, Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow, told the website. “Good sex,” Mrs. Robinson says, “is about connection and sensual satisfaction, not number of orgasms produced.”

Still, it pays to cover all bases, so this advice is accompanied by a link to Guarantee Her an Orgasm. But not a fake orgasm. For more on that, see The Strange Reason Why She’s Faking It.

And this:

To get her to stop faking the Big O, the article suggests a fellah try a move called The Double Grip, which entails “grabbing both of her cheeks when she’s on top”; The Up Shift, or moving slightly forward “so that, every time he thrusts, his penis rubs against your clitoris”; or The Ultimate—“getting between her legs and giving her a solid base of lips, tongue, gums, and even chin to rub against.”

No sweat, right? Oh, wait…The Up Shift only works in missionary position, so tough luck if you happen to be doing the seated wheelbarrow or the spork. There’s always something.

Which was my original point.

Not that I’m against advice. It’s just that there’s so freakin’ much of it you could never try it all.

Of course, staying with one person for twenty or thirty or fifty years might give you enough time. Then again, there is no limit to the number of possible links on the Internet. And once a link is up, it’s there forever.

So maybe the best advice is Just Do It.

Well, not that foot massage thing. If you know what’s good for you.

%d bloggers like this: