Read this, Olivia Munn

Insight can come from unexpected places. For example, I just finished reading Olivia Munn’s book, Suck It, Wonder Woman, and now I know more of what I need to know to write Fast Lane.

In Chapter 31, “How to Make Love Like a Zombie,” the model, G4 network TV show hostess and sometime Daily Show correspondent recommends guys be good listeners, go slow and fondle women’s brains.

You read that last one right. Phone sex, she says, is one good way to stimulate a “brain erection—or ‘brection.’” Baking your significant other a pie works, too: “I think you will be pleased by the effects of the wafting aroma of apples baking. This will tease the brain that’s connected to the body whose bones you wish to jump.”

On the other hand, she says in Chapter 17, “Dating Tips to Totally Help You Score,” that “girls know if they like a guy pretty much from the first moment they see him. No pickup line will work. Even if you come up with the wittiest, funniest, most brilliant I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that-please-allow-me-to-rip-off-all-my-clothes-right-now-line, it won’t matter if she’s not physically attracted to you.”

The best pickup line? “’Hello, I’m Jeff.’ Especially if your name is Jeff.”

The book also recounts a bunch of quasi-sexual encounters with creepy Hollywood types, including an aging, bed-ridden producer who gifts every female visitor with a sex toy, an agent who decorates his home with photos of his girlfriend’s vagina and a big-time director who unexpectedly masturbates in her presence while eating red sauce-drenched shrimp with his free hand.

I took special note of those passages, icky though they were, because someone who read the first few pages of Fast Lane thought it wasn’t seamy enough to be set in Hollywood. Hey, I love Entourage and all its gratuitous female toplessness and booze-fueled orgies. But, Fast Lane’s just not that kind of novel.

Oh, wait. There actually is a booze-fueled orgy in Fast Lane. I’m not going to say any more, except that my writer’s group thought it was done in good taste.

At any rate, thanks, Olivia Munn, for inspiring me and making me laugh out loud more often than I expected to. Next time you’re coming to Milwaukee, shoot me an e-mail first. I know where they serve good pie.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: