I just read The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen. It’s about sex, but while sex is all any of the not-quite one-dimensional characters ever think about, it is not a romance. Erotic or otherwise.

It is an anti-romance—unless you recognize it as a satire that skewers stereotypes about how men think about women.

I love satire. There are elements of it in Fast Lane. Elements also found in Kultgen’s best-seller.

The Average American Male opens with the unnamed character in the eighteenth month of a relationship with a girlfriend who bores him. She talks too much. Likes lame music. Has a fat ass (the character’s words, not mine). Doesn’t play video games. Won’t take a supplement to enlarge her B-cup-size breasts, forcing him to sneak it into her food. Refuses to have sex often enough, which is to say, less than twice a day. Doesn’t like the sexual activities he enjoys most.

Worst of all, she starts pushing love and marriage and “tricks” him into engagement. That makes him break up and get a new girlfriend. One who talks the right amount. Likes cool music. Has an ass that is “perfect beyond belief.” Excels at video games. Volunteers to take the supplement even though he’s happy with her B-cup-size breasts (“I like her tits as they are and I’m not completely sure increasing their size would improve their overall quality”). Wants to have sex at least two times a day. Prefers the sexual activities he enjoys most.

Best of all, she’s averse to love and marriage. After witnessing a guy in knight’s armor proposing in a restaurant, she says, “What we just saw basically defines all marriages—some guy makes an ass out of himself and the girl is too overwhelmed by it to think straight enough to say no.”

Fast-forward to eighteen months later when it dawns on the guy that the new girlfriend talks too much–especially about love and marriage–and performs fellatio too little. Her breasts aren’t any bigger, but he’s sure her butt eventually will be. He sadly “realizes” that over time, every woman he’ll ever know will become just like every other women he’s already known.

Like I said—you’ve got to think of it as satire.

So how is all this in any way like Fast Lane? The claim to fame of my male lead, Clay Creighton, is The Rotation—three women who serve as his consorts. Every eighteen months, the one who’s been in The Rotation the longest has to leave to make room for someone else.

The Fast Lane philosophy is that new relationships are filled with passion. Things remain interesting for a while as two people get to know each other. In the end, though, familiarity and routine snuff out the flames. The Rotation is the ultimate bachelor fantasy—and it’s what Lara sets out to destroy.

Unlike the guy in The Average American Male, though, Clay—and Lara—learn a lot about love, romance, relationships and each other. They arc in ways I’m confident you’ll like.

Because, really, you don’t have to be all that romantic to believe that, sooner or later, you’ll meet The One who stands out from all the others. Now. Eighteen months from now. And even after that.

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