The Yahoo.com news link seemed promising: Worst “Sexy” Halloween Costumes. I clicked and saw that I was right. In a guy sort of way. I mean, if these fourteen costumes are the worst, I don’t think I could survive the best.

Shine from Yahoo mentions, to name a few, your sexy real estate broker, sexy straightjacket, sexy Ernie, sexy Bert, sexy hamburger, sexy ear of corn, sexy axe murderer, sexy Hugh Hefner and sexy skunk.

What? The pictures have captions explaining why they’re the worst costumes? Seriously?

Oh, yeah. Now I see.

Axe murderer: “Any trouble—bite his head off! Scary, not sexy.”

Skunk: “When is the last time you heard about anybody wanting to snuggle up to a skunk?”

Hamburger:
“Ok, we get it. Nice buns.”

Ear of corn: “In case Hamburger’s BFF is a vegetarian, here’s a pretty corn costume.”

Bert and Ernie:
“Between the first presidential debate and now this sad lapse in good taste, Sesame Street has become, shall we say, overexposed.”

Hef: “Nothing says ‘sexy’ like an octogenarian man in a smoking jacket with pipe.”

Broker: “We don’t know what she’s selling, but it’s sure not houses. This skimpy number is definitely a deal-breaker.”

Har-de-har-har. I guess these comments are supposed to be snarky. There’s just one problem: Who’s the target? Because, if you ask a man, here’s what the comments would be:

Axe murderer: Hot.

Skunk: Hot.

Ear of corn: Hot.

Hamburger: Hot.

Hef: Hot. (It’s a woman in smoking jacket, for crying out loud.)

Broker: Hot—and where do I sign?

Bert and Ernie: Well, that’s a little fucked up. But still pretty hot.

I asked a woman why these were the worst costumes, and she said it was because only a woman who looks like the model in the ad could wear the Bert and/or Ernie, thus reinforcing the impression that only women who look like models should wear “sexy” Halloween costumes. Furthermore, I found an outpouring of outrage on Huffington Post over how a sexy Ursula costume is available only to size fourteen, while Ursula the cartoon character from The Little Mermaid is at least a twenty-two.

Yeah, that’s dumb. Why not carry it in the full range of sizes? Is the intersection of sexy and big a null set?

To find out, the Man Writing a Romance did one of his hasty and ridiculously incomplete Internet searches for sexy Halloween costumes designed specifically for large women. And guess what? It would be impossible to do a search so hasty and incomplete as to generate less than a gazillion options.

Such as: plus-size vampire, plus-size leprechaun, plus-size “burlesque babe,” plus-size Betty Boop with bare shoulders and a skirt slit to the hip and plus-size Morticia with a neckline slit to the navel.

Plus, there’s a plus-size skunk, in case BFFs want to wear matching sexy pieces with tails—and a plus-size bunny of the Playboy variety, in case BFFs want to go as matching pieces of work who get lots of tail.

Here’s another dumb thing, though. Some of the ads for these feature models who could wear plus sizes only if they and their BFFs wore the same costume at the same time. Shouldn’t this draw the snark and the ire of the Internet crowd?

But, no. The Yahoo story moans that Halloween used to be “an opportunity to wear something scary, ugly, outrageous or funny”—and then rips fourteen such costumes to shreds for the sin of being some or all of those and sexy?

Sorry, but the first part of funny is fun, and like just about everything, Halloween can be a hell of a good time—as long as you don’t take it too seriously.

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