Author Robyn Peterman Zahn invited me to participate in the online “launch party” for her new novel, Fashionably Dead. I was terrified. Not because I’d be the only rooster at a hen party—I’m used to that—but because I’ve read Robyn’s other books. There was a real chance things were going to get filthy.
And they did. Immediately.
Then descended into chaos:
Robyn: Dave is the Panty God, so ask everything you ever wanted to know.
Jasmin: Awesome!!! Lace, thong or edible?
Me: I’m a big fan of panties in general, but lace are my favorite.
What is your favorite color? Flesh?
Deena: The world needs a book about the many uses of panties. Would you consider researching the topic and writing one?
Robyn: I would read that.
Me: I have to do a lot of…research…to make sure I’m writing about women’s things correctly. I see great pop-up ads every time I turn on my computer.
Tina: Is there a brand you prefer?
Alicia: Forget panties. Just go commando!!
Patricia: People, do not wear black granny panties and stand beside a really bright stage light at a concert. I think everyone saw them. And it was scary.
Karen: Which panties do you think make the best head gear—thongs or boy cut?
(At this point, I’m wondering, “Grown women are asking these questions?”)
Me: I’d guess the less coverage the better.
Sharon: Do men enjoy wearing lace panties?
Me: I don’t know. We don’t talk about stuff like that. “Hey, Mike…how about them Packers, hey? And, didja see that yer Victoria’s Secret has a new line of hip-hugger lace panties that would look darling on you?”
Mary: Dave, do you like wearing a thong? Do you like how it feels between your cheeks?
Me: Here’s the thing: My wife, Mary Jo, is my editor, and when I used the word “panties” in a ManWAR post, she became enraged and informed me that “panties” was a juvenile term that she had never used in my presence. Which surprised me, because it was the only word I ever heard her use for “underwear.” But, I’ve never worn a thong. Maybe I should try it sometime.
The word panties is sexier than underwear!
Robyn: I like the word panties and used it 4,328,972 times in How Hard Can It Be?
Never heard a guy say “let me rip off your underwear.”
Mindy: J Kenner had some interesting panties with pearls. They’re very….um, interesting. What do you think of these?
(They post this—and expect me to keep paying attention to them?)
Kelley: Panties, what panties??
Marie: Dave, is it better for you to wear panties or nothing at all?
Linda: Panty lines can be such a problem. Do you prefer to just go without panties, or are you a g-string and lace kind of guy? And do the crotchless panties still cause panty lines?
Me: I don’t mind panty lines. I can’t even imagine a heterosexual male being bothered by panty lines. You’d be surprised by how little men care about the things that drive women crazy.
Anita: Have you ever watched the show A Thousand Ways to Die? There was a girl that wore a candy thong. Her girlfriend choked to death “eating” it!
(By now I’m thinking, “These people don’t sound like grown women; they sound like sixth-grade boys.”)
Tracey: What is your favorite flavor of edible panties?
Me: Do they come in orange, lime or chocolate? Because licorice and strawberry make me gag.
Tracey: Have you ever purchased panties for your wife?
Me: I have bought panties for my wife. And bustiers. I love those, too. And stockings. Right before we got married, a friend of my mother-in-law told Mary Jo that if she married an Italian man, she should have a drawer in her dresser ready for foofy underwear. That prediction has come to pass. Never did the edible panties thing, though.
Britta: I find that “panties” can be overrated. Is it wrong to “bare” it all if you dare?
Chandana: Shall I wear the Butt Floss or the Racy Lacy?
Me: I like the thought of thongs. In real life, meh. I was fortunate enough, though, to sit two rows behind a really shapely young woman at a Cubs game at Wrigley Field who was wearing a thong and really low-cut jeans. I can’t remember if the Cubs won that game.
Britta: Women find it erotic when men go bare. Do men find it the same? I guess that’s my question.
Tanya: Have you ever modeled your wife’s panties for her?
Cherie: I always wear edible panties. Never know when you might need to save some hot guy with low blood sugar. I’m just trying to do my part.
(That confirms it: sixth-grade boys.)
This has been a gas! I have to go watch football with a bunch of guys now. We’ll be eating red meat and drinking beer. Hmmm…beer-flavored edible panties. That’s a great idea.
Britta: You never answered my question.
Me: Britta, I don’t even want to entertain the thought of men going commando. I’ll leave that up to you!